American Idol Viewers Guide Week 2

Well here we are - the Top 12 are set in stone and for anyone jonesing for more AI this summer, the remaining contestants will be singing up a storm on stages around the nation. You know what that means - MORE GROUP NUMBERS! I don't know about anyone else, but I can't get to the remote fast enough on Thursday nights to fast forward through those ear bleeders. The songs get more cheesy and the outfits get more hideous by the week. You'd think the judges would have petitioned to neg this part of the show by now, but I have a sneaking suspicion they're not watching. At that point, Randy is probably backstage trimming his sideburns while Paula is doing Irish Car Bombs and Simon is squeezing into yet another blue/grey/black sweater so he can, for yet another week, resemble a tick about to pop.

Speaking of the judges, did you hear that Simon was offered $2M to be the spokesperson for Viagra? I find it ironic that he turned it down, yet he seems to endlessly endorse Botox. Don't both make you plump? I also hear from Seth Meyers that Paula Abdul was offered to be the spokesperson for pills in general. Silly Seth!

While we're on the subject of Paula - quick question - what do Paula Abdul and Gnarls Barkley have in common? Answer - MTV won't play either of their videos....Paula's getting no love because her video sucks, and Gnarls Barkley's getting no love because their video might cause seizures (caution, don't click on that if you get seizures).

Enough about the judges, let's get back to the contestants and the elimination last week. Was there a sale on those hip hugger, high waisted, 6 button pants last week? Man, those things are bad. Even SYESha was wearing them, albeit in the form of short shorts. That girl seriously loves her legs. But she has a superstar mouth and I think that will keep her alive for a while.

No surprises for me last week that 10 of our Idol poolers got the final 12 right. I mean, every time I think about Danny "BOMP BOMP" Noriega and his "tainted love", it makes me want to hurl. He was brought on the show for shock value and possibly for his Sanjaya-esque hair. Watching him sing was like watching a train wreck in slo mo - I was horrified, but couldn't take my eyes off him. Have you all see his latest on YouTube? Ba Humbug Danny - what comes around goes around.

Asia'h, girlfriend, it's too bad you couldn't stick around long enough for the personal fashion stylist. You really need help. She reminded me of Brittany Murphy's character in Clueless - cute on the inside, but a mess on the outside. And for the record, I don't think Brittany Murphy is cute. Ick.

As for Kady Molloy, well....she was just very beige. You know, non-descript (except for her gigantic ta-ta's), forgettable, and will probably end up on Celebrity Rehab as a result of a failed stint at pole dancing in Reno.

And that brings me to Luke...lovable Luke. Christian a cappella singing Luke. I know there are some a cappella geeks in our pool, so I'll won't belabor the a cappella point and, truth be told, I liked him. He just wasn't good enough. And as Simon says, "this is a singing competition" (insert pompous British accent here).

Apparently, two former contestants, Constantine Maroulis and Gina Glocksen are hosting American Idol EXTRA and they will interview each contestant after they are voted off. Way to stay in the game Constantine and Gina!


That leaves us with the Top 12. Similar to the political race of 2008, it's anyone's game at this point. Taking a look at the averages, it seems as though David Archuleta, the Bindi Irwin of Season 7, and Carly Smithson are the frontrunners. Here's why I think David A. won't win - he hasn't reached puberty yet. I predict he has a Peter Brady moment during one of his songs, cracks, and gets eliminated. Have you HEARD him speak? Such a cute little guy, but no 17 year old is going to be graceful under the pressure (and paparazzi) that lurks around the corners. There are a few other things he needs to work on while waiting for his voice to change - for one, his dog lick. That tongue comes right out with just a beat or two before his next note, flaps out from behind those teeth like only Gene Simmons can do, takes a hard right to the corner of his mouth and SWEEPS around to the other side. In .0005 seconds flat. If this were a competition for mouth licking, he would have it nailed.

Second, he's a heavy breather. It's almost like listening to phone sex when he sings (not that I have ever had phone sex, but if I had, I would imagine it would be something like.... never mind). Seriously, he needs to learn some mic skills because I would wager that he is making 100% of the tween audience, 50% of the cougars, and 25% of the baby boomers pretty damn horny every Tuesday night.

As I visited with my trusted advisor this morning (TMZ.com), I stumbled onto this clip. Who knew all the contestants had bodyguards this early in the game? Just to walk down the street no less? Check out Michael John's over-the-shoulder action to one of the reporters. I have dibs on his debut album looking JUST like the cover of Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA" - Australian flag hanging out of one of his back pockets and perhaps entitled "Wish I Was Born in the USA". My take? America won't vote for him out of spite. Then again, Carly has the same challenge.


This week's theme is THE BEATLES!!! I am beyond psyched. Except for the group number (Come Together perhaps?). I will, again, fast forward through that. This is a REALLY big deal, because for the first time in AI history, the theme will incorporate the entire Lennon/McCartney songbook, which has previously been off-limits to American Idol. Somehow, after six years, the powers behind AI have worked a deal with Sony/ATV Music Publishing to bring some of the best songs in history to the Idol stage. Since the group obviously won't perform, I've got dibs on an appearance by the cast of the Cirque du Soleil show "Love".


Bigger stage = possibility for acrobatics, right?

Will the young one whip out Imagine again in honor of John?

Will Amanda stay true to her rocker roots and belt out a little Helter Skelter?

Does Brooke have an "I am Sam" version of Blackbird planned?

Will Ramiele make a plea for someone to finally Help! her with her miserable excuse for a hairstyle?

And most importantly, will Randy name drop that he played bass for every song on the White Album?



Until next week, I leave you with a final question:

Exactly WHOSE FACE is tattooed on Carly Smithson's right arm?

a) Anna Nicole Smith
b) Amy Winehouse
c) Sinead O'Connor with hair
d) her mom
e) no clue