Viewers Guide Week 2

Not many people know this, but I am a psychic. I know what you’re thinking (obviously)…. “How is it possible to have so much talent squeezed into one omnipresent cyber-ambiguous Idol Pool Master?” But it’s true. There are several different types of psychics. Some read tarot cards, others chicken bones or palms, some just sense things and can’t explain it. My talent is that I see future idol episodes before they happen. Each Monday, I sit down to watch the show in my mind. This week, I decided document my visions. Only when you see all of these items unfold before your eyes Tuesday night will you be aware of my true greatness.

****SPOILER ALERT!****Tuesday 3/18 Show REVEALED!!!*********


David Archuleta, age 17
Nickname: David “time to chayeeyange” Archuletta
Song: Why Don’t We Do It in the Road
Summary: With his back against the wall and desperate to show America his naughty side, David made a daring song choice this week and BOY DID IT PAY OFF! Decked out in buttless leather pants and a dog collar, David’s perfectly timed pelvic thrusts made even the most conservative audience member seriously consider joining the him in the road (depending on the state, of course, given that he is 17)

Jason Castro, age 20
Nickname: Jason “5 minutes till Wapner” Castro
Song: Lady Madonna
Summary: This song was surprisingly good. I want to hate him because he’s SO DUMB, but he hasn’t really completely missed on a song yet. The most entertaining part of Jason’s appearance came after he performed. Ryan had the mic in the audience and introduced a special guest: “Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Kellie Pickler is in the audience tonight. Kelly, what did you think of our last contestant?” Kellie responded “He’s cuh-yoot. My breath smells like Pickles!” .



Chikezie, age 22
Nickname: Chikezie Gooding Jr.
Song: Help!
Comments: This song was obviously chosen so that Chikeze could communicate to his wardrobe consultant over the airwaves. Yet another decent performance in a questionable outfit. When the judges were finished giving feedback, the crowd gasped as Ryan Seacrest licked Chekezie’s sweaty forehead, Milli-Vanillied him, and gave him a purple nurple. I have to give producers credit for their quick reaction to the live action when they astutely inserted the sound bit “bah-nearw bah-nearw bah-nearw” (the one that they play when people are voted off) immediately after all this went down. The crowd was stunned and everyone was looking for a glass of something to wash away the psychological taste of salt from their brains.

Kristy Lee Cook, age 24
Nickname (as voted by the Men): Kristy Lee “I’m so hot I don’t need an oven to” Cook.
Nickname (as voted by the Women): Kristy Lee “I suck, I’m a tramp, and I squat rhythmically to avoid my lack of dancing ability” Cook.
Song: I’ll Follow the Sun
Summary: Another horrible, screechy performance. The big problem I have with both Kristy Lee and Carly is that they already signed record deals that didn’t end up working out. Once I heard that, I wasn’t rooting for them anymore. It’s like when you meet someone really beautiful at a party and you find yourself thinking “man, they are so good looking”. But then you ask them what they do and they say “I model” < bah-nearw bah-nearw bah-nearw bah-nearw >. Immediately you say to yourself…”you’re not THAT good looking…Geesh…get over yourself”. Knowing that some of these idols had record deals takes away the underdog factor and with it goes some of the fun. That said, Kristy is probably going home this week unless middle aged men living at home with their mothers flood the phone lines.

David Cook, age 25
Nickname : David “I need that oven to”Cook.
Song: Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
Summary: To this point, I haven’t been sure how to feel about David. On one hand, he’s talented, consistent, and original. This performance was no exception. On the other…he winks. I hate winkers. Who the hell winks in 2008 aside from cartoon characters and child molesters? Let me tell you doesn’t wink: A Rock Star. ROCK STARS DON”T WINK GET IT TOGETHER DAVID! YOU’RE LOSING YOUR STREET CRED! Maybe next week he can wear David Archuleta’s dog collar and make up some lost ground.

Michael Johns, age 29
Nickname Mike-“rophone love-maker” Johns
Song: With a Little Help from My Friends
Summary: I was DYING for Taylor Hicks and the Soul Patrol to do the Joe Cocker version of this song a few years back. Given this, I found myself ironically annoyed at Michael during his performance for picking “someone else’s song”. I was entertained, however, by Michael’s continued full-on assault of the microphone; alternating from a passionate two handed caress like he’s holding his lovers cheeks….to an all-out, slam it down, twirl it around make-up romp. He’s been studying the masters. I would argue that it is not his singing but rather his Jim Morrison looks and fancy microphone antics that make people like the Idol Pool Master’s significant other declare “I’d do Australia… <3 second silence>. …the guy, not the whole country.”

Ramiele Malubay, age 20
Nickname: Ramiele Forgeta-lubay
Song: While My Guitar Gently Weeps
Summary. It finally happened. I’ve been waiting for this for 7 seasons. Someone finally took a digger down the stairs. How has it taken someone this long to trip and fall on the idol set? It defies the odds and I must congratulate Fox’s lawyers that it hasn’t happened until now. During the opening seconds of the song, just as I was about to put my lips to a warm glass of milk to help me take a 3 minute nap. BAM….heel breaks, hand slips on rail, and just like that…memories were made. Thank GOD for TIVO and its slow motion feature. Again, I have to give credit to the producers: the camera shot from above was iconic as a five foot four sultry diva was sprawled across the American Idol logo on the stage. She’ll now last one more week because of the pity vote. The ASU (American Society for the Uncoordinated) always turns out in big numbers for these types of occasions to show their support.

Syesha Mercado, age 21
Song: Blackbird
Summary: Syesha’s performance was OK, not great. You could tell right away that Paula didn’t like it because she started off her comments by telling Syesha she looked beautiful. This is what Paula does EVERY time she hates a woman’s performance. She has some psychological problem where she can’t deliver bad news so she starts by commenting on what the contestant is wearing, then goes on a tangent about all the things she loves about the contestant (their performance on the recently completed song is always conspicuously absent from Paula’s list of favorite things). The next time I look at a clock and see that it is 11:11, I’m going to close my eyes hard and wish that I get to see Paula Abdul on the next Dr Drew’s Celebrity Rehab. Dream big.

Brooke White, age 24
Song: Can’t Buy Me Love
Summary: Once again, her performance was solid but mediocre. She kind of bores me a bit. I found myself wandering off and thinking about the movie starring Patrick Dempsey as a lawnboy dork who wins over the popular girl with his smarts and good nature.

Like that EVER happens with high school chicks. Good movie, sad world. Ok I’m back. Why does Simon like her so much? I certainly don’t see her selling many albums. Like Jason Castro, her strength caters to slower or medium tempo songs, but she’ll have to whip out a rocker soon if she’s going to play with the big boys. While I do like her, I personally don’t think she has it in her. She’s likeable and good, but not great.


Amanda Overmyer, age 23
Nickname: Elvira Joplin
Song: Oh! Darlin
Summary: The only thing that saved her this week was a song that catered to her one-trick-pony style. I give you four words should strike fear into any Amanda Overmyer fan: “Ace of Base Week". If the rumors are true, that would be the end of Elvira Joplin.

Carly Smithson, age 24
Song: Something
Summary: I can’t say anything too bad here because her voice is so good. It was good to hear her do something nice and slow this week because we already know she can rock. Despite her nice voice, I (like many) still believe she has an uphill battle because she’s not American. Same with Crocodile Dundee.