April 29 Viewer's Guide - Neil Diamond!

Dear Debbie,

Thanks for your response to my on-line pics. I'll be sure to send along more revealing shots once I've determined that we are indeed a good match. I'm really into dancing, stiff cocktails, and…

Wait. I think I just screwed up. I would like to begin my post over again.




I'm so excited about Neil Diamond week that I'm having a hard time keeping my blue jeans on, but before I get to this upcoming week's show, I'd like to comment on the mess that was last week's episode.

First off, the decision to have Syesha and Carly sing their songs again was the perfect way to tell America that they are a bunch of morons. No one could have watched the elimination show and thought that the two of them were the two worst performers of the week. And all the while, Brooke sat there on the safety couch smiling her half-winsome/ half-demonic smile as her eyes glittered with unshed tears. I wonder if she was thinking what I was thinking at that moment – 'I'm the luckiest Farrah Fawcett in the world. And America hasn't figured out yet that I only have five notes in my range. But if I can only put a catch in my voice when I go for the "high" notes, they'll never know.'

It was also fun to watch Jason Castro try and talk again. I've stopped trying to determine whether he is a) stoned all the time or b) really, really dumb. I think there is a little, no a lot, from column A and column B that makes him really fun to watch when he isn't singing. Too bad there is nothing fun about watching him singing. Did anyone else see him yawn his way through a segment before cutting to commercial? Fantastic. Get him some cheez-it and another bong-hit! Apparently, he was sick last week… at least that's what his dreadhead fan-club has stated. Don't worry, you can send him a get-well card here.


I have to admit that we here at American Idol Headquarters are mourning the loss of Carly Smithson. Sure, she isn't really "American", but man, she has pipes! Maybe she shouldn't have blasphemed her way through her 1:30 chance to shine. She rocked the song so hard that I didn't think the voters would notice that one of the lines she repeated was "Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, who are you? What have you sacrificed?" And then I remember that the Mormons keeping Brooke and David A alive with their votes probably wouldn't appreciate the song choice.

I'm also glad that Syesha survived another week. Not to be too crass, but as my co-worker put it so nicely, "she has a body to beat the band!" I don't even know what that line means, but I think I agree. Va-va-voom.

We all know that the finals are going to come down to the Davids. I was bored out of my skull during David Cook's rendition of "Music of the Night" and although I found my Christian Rock sensibilities appreciating the subtle groove of "Think of Me" by David Archuleta, it didn't knock my socks off as much as I would have hoped for Broadway week. Still, even when they aren't at their best, David A and David C deserve to make it through all the way.



As we turn our sights to this week's show, I hope I'm not alone in my excitement. I mean, Neil Diamond? This is the artist that spawned such fandom that even Oscar-nominated super-comedies pay tribute to Lord Diamond's musical prowess.


Having Andrew Lloyd Weber and Neil Diamond back-to-back is like seeing evolution happen. You take one of the world's ugliest humans and make him only slightly better looking, and you have the last two mentors on American Idol.




Even if they don't rely on Neil's most famous songs like "Soggy Pretzels", "Porcupine Pie", and "Crunchy Granola Suite", I think we're all in for a delight. Oh Carly, how we'll miss the opportunity to have heard you rock the immigrant anthem, "America". You could have taken those key changes to a whole new level and powered through the money notes. We certainly know that Brooke can't do it and I honestly can't remember what Syesha sounds like.

In my heart of hearts, I would love to see a "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" duet with Brooke and Jason Castro. And then I would love to see them throw darts at each other's glassy eyes. Maybe one of Jason's dreads can come off in his hand and he can throw it at Brooke. Maybe Brooke could take off her feathered wig and throw it at Jason. Regardless, I wish they could vote two people off in the same week. But even Brooke and Jason couldn't be worse than this.

Neil Diamond, before he was a megastar of his own, wrote songs for the Monkees. David Archuleta singing "Daydream Believer" would be a perfect choice for the masses, although I'd rather see him shock his grandma fan-base by singing "Forever in Blue Jeans."

David Cook should absolutely sing, "Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon". With his smoldering gazes at the camera and his sultry baritone, he will make the ladies swoon. And it is so apropos for the gaggle of screaming mimis in the front of the auditorium. And kind of dirty…

And Syesha? I don't care what you sing, just make sure that you wear this dress again.