Viewing Guide: Idol Gives Back Week!

Some of you might think that running an organization like the Idol Pool would require business savvy, competitive instincts, perfect pitch, and a heart of steel. But it’s not true. In fact, it only takes one Josh Groban and 15-20 headbanded African children to get this Idol Pool Master’s tears flowing. So Idol Gives Back Week is greeted at Pool Headquarters with anticipation and lots of extra Kleenex. And no—dirty birds—it’s not just because Vanessa Hudgens is supposed to appear this year.

The truth is, your Idol Pool Master loves to give back. In fact, I love giving back so much that I’m hereby announcing a new initiative: the first ever Idol Pool Blog Comment Charity Challenge! Here’s how it works. Your Idol Master will give $1 (out of his own pocket) for every comment posted on the blog this week which he deems funny or interesting. That’s it: post a funny comment and the IPM will give a dollar. Or don’t, and have the malaria epidemic on your conscience.

Speaking of, the stars are swarming like flies to this year’s Idol Gives Back! Have you seen the list? Robin Williams, Celine Dion, Forest Whitaker, Billy Crystal, Dane Cook, Kiefer Sutherland, Terri Hatcher (singing!), IPM favoite Ashley Tisdale, Jennifer Connolly, Elliott Yamin, Fantasia, Amy Adams, Bono, Brad Pitt and a bad green hat, Reese Witherspoon, Sarah Silverman, Miley Cyrus, Mariah Carey, Eli Manning, Peyton Manning, the Beckhams, Fergie duetting with Heart, Chris Daughtry, Annie Lennox, John Legend, Snoop Dogg, Maroon 5, Gloria Estefan, and, fresh from texting her boyfriend that he's dumped, Carrie Underwood (singing George Michael, I’m told). Oh, and did we mention the appearances by two-time Grammy award winner Barack Obama, Grammy award winner Hillary Clinton, and presumptive Republican nominee John Sidney McCain? We’re audacious enough to hope that J.S. McCain will pledge an American Idol presence on Fox for the next hundred years. And that Hillary will release the rights to her songbook.

Wait, have we even mentioned Tuesday’s Inspiration-Themed show, or Thursday’s appearance by Jordin Sparks? (Jordin, by the way, has predicted a David-David final this year.) Given that you’ll be committing four and half hours to Idol this week, we’ll keep this post short. Just a little advice for the contestants:

1. Kristy Lee: everyone in our pool except Suzy (and the straight men) wants your performance to go something like this. 28 of us didn’t even have you in our top 12. I know you want to sing “Amazing Grace” for the third time this year, but here’s the dilemma: can you sing that AND wear a plunging neckline?
2. Syesha: sure, you can sing Wind Beneath My Wings. But only if you include this move (skip to 4:16).
3. David Cook: tough week for you, man. Part of me wants you to take “You Raise Me Up”, ditch the children’s choir, and add an electric guitar. Surely someone has a cover version you could steal. I’m not sure what this would do to your rocker cred, though, so maybe you should just sing something by Jars of Clay.
4. Michael Johns: Guess you shouldn’t have blown “We Are the Champions” on Year You Were Born Week. I’d say just keep tussling that hair of yours. It’s still the best thing you’ve got going.
5. Jason: Sing “What a Wonderful World” acoustic. No question about it.
6. Brooke: I’d say just do what you normally do. Sing something forgettable, have Paula tell you how beautiful you are, get criticized by Simon, and then start talking back so much that the judges and Ryan can hardly get a word in edgewise.
7. Carly: You’ll probably want to save “Hero” for Mariah Carey week next week. But you’ve got the biggest voice left in the competition and you should use it. How about "You'll Never Walk Alone"? Or go Irish and sing “Danny Boy”. Either way, I won’t have to wait until Wednesday to start crying.
8. David Archuletta: Everyone knows this is the week you were born for. Resist the urge to sing “One Day More” from Les Mis. We know you want to. This is your chance to sing “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” and make us forget about Clay once and for all.

OK, friends. Don't forget the Blog Comment Charity Challenge. 1 comment = $1. That's enough to give a child in Africa four days' worth of food, headbands, and choir lessons. We're all in this together, Pool Members.