American Idol Final Viewer's Guide!

America is about to make a big mistake. His victory is all but a foregone conclusion, but Adam Lambert should not be the NEXT American Idol. Think about it: the genre that he is absolutely perfect for (80’s) is yesterday’s news and he is about 20 years too late to the scene. Over the past couple of months, Adam has excelled at covering other people’s songs and taking advice from music legends like Quentin Tarantino. His voice is certainly impressive and his range is Steve Perry-esque . But what about when you have to come up with your own tunes and make your own mark? How will his voice and style translate to a studio album? The amazing thing about Adam is that he can hit those insane notes live. He can actually do it. The problem is, in the studio, anyone else can too (see Sugar Ray’s single “Every Morning"). How will Adam differentiate himself on the radio where he can’t leverage his rock star costume and ridiculous range?

Yes, that’s right. I said costume. Adam Lambert is less of a person and more of a contrived rock-god character.

To prove my theory, I have reverse-engineered and deconstructed Adam and will spend the next two days of my life at work and at home living and breathing as if I am Adam. I would like to take this opportunity to ask—no–DARE you to join me. Do you have what it takes? Are YOU the next American Idol?

If you choose not to join me and your answer is no, do not read beyond this sentence.

If your answer is yes, you are my best friend and I have provided the instructions below to guide you on your journey. First, you must dress the part.

1) Ask your mother if you can borrow a pair of her combat boots (black).
2) Grab a sharpy (black) with an extra wide tip (eyeliner).
3) Ask 2005 if you can borrow a pair of her skinny jeans. Black.
4) Swing by Spencer Gifts and buy a T-Shirt (black) with the word “Rock” somewhere on it.
5) Bedazzle said T-Shirt with rhinestones, ideally fully covering the word “Rock” so it sparkles with hard-core rockness.
6) Pick up some “Just for Men” hair dye. Color: Joan Jett Black.

Now that you have dressed the part, it is equally important that you act the part. Follow these instructions very closely. For every sentence you say, start in your normal range and over the course of the sentence gradually slide up three full octaves. Once you arrive at the last word in your phalsetto, hold it for 5 seconds, open your mouth wide, wiggle your tongue back and forth, and hold your hand out in a passion pose (note: the aforementioned passion pose is the most diffucult item to pull off effectively and may take two or three dry runs in the mirror. Ideally this pose shows the typical rock fan that you are alone in this world and no-one understands you except your only friend, rock music. This pose, however, must simultaneously tell the tween crowd that you are a frog prince waiting to be kissed. Execution of the optimal mix is critical).

Once you have completed the steps above, you ARE Adam Lambert. You can do no wrong. Everything you touch is half rock, half amazing. As you bump into your boss at work on the way to the copier, be sure you say “EXCUSE YOU” in a sustained high E with and end it with a “YEAH!”. When your friend asks you to pass the ketchup, say “WOULD YOU LIKE THE RELISH TOO?” in a soft, sweet, high, controlled tone just because you can. Your charm is hypnotizing like Jerry Lewis. You’re not really sure why people like you, but they do. They just do. You are the next American Idol. You have fooled America.

ENJOY THE FINALS IDOL POOL!!!!

Hope we get something like this Wednesday night