Viewers Guide Week 2

Not many people know this, but I am a psychic. I know what you’re thinking (obviously)…. “How is it possible to have so much talent squeezed into one omnipresent cyber-ambiguous Idol Pool Master?” But it’s true. There are several different types of psychics. Some read tarot cards, others chicken bones or palms, some just sense things and can’t explain it. My talent is that I see future idol episodes before they happen. Each Monday, I sit down to watch the show in my mind. This week, I decided document my visions. Only when you see all of these items unfold before your eyes Tuesday night will you be aware of my true greatness.

****SPOILER ALERT!****Tuesday 3/18 Show REVEALED!!!*********


David Archuleta, age 17
Nickname: David “time to chayeeyange” Archuletta
Song: Why Don’t We Do It in the Road
Summary: With his back against the wall and desperate to show America his naughty side, David made a daring song choice this week and BOY DID IT PAY OFF! Decked out in buttless leather pants and a dog collar, David’s perfectly timed pelvic thrusts made even the most conservative audience member seriously consider joining the him in the road (depending on the state, of course, given that he is 17)

Jason Castro, age 20
Nickname: Jason “5 minutes till Wapner” Castro
Song: Lady Madonna
Summary: This song was surprisingly good. I want to hate him because he’s SO DUMB, but he hasn’t really completely missed on a song yet. The most entertaining part of Jason’s appearance came after he performed. Ryan had the mic in the audience and introduced a special guest: “Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Kellie Pickler is in the audience tonight. Kelly, what did you think of our last contestant?” Kellie responded “He’s cuh-yoot. My breath smells like Pickles!” .



Chikezie, age 22
Nickname: Chikezie Gooding Jr.
Song: Help!
Comments: This song was obviously chosen so that Chikeze could communicate to his wardrobe consultant over the airwaves. Yet another decent performance in a questionable outfit. When the judges were finished giving feedback, the crowd gasped as Ryan Seacrest licked Chekezie’s sweaty forehead, Milli-Vanillied him, and gave him a purple nurple. I have to give producers credit for their quick reaction to the live action when they astutely inserted the sound bit “bah-nearw bah-nearw bah-nearw” (the one that they play when people are voted off) immediately after all this went down. The crowd was stunned and everyone was looking for a glass of something to wash away the psychological taste of salt from their brains.

Kristy Lee Cook, age 24
Nickname (as voted by the Men): Kristy Lee “I’m so hot I don’t need an oven to” Cook.
Nickname (as voted by the Women): Kristy Lee “I suck, I’m a tramp, and I squat rhythmically to avoid my lack of dancing ability” Cook.
Song: I’ll Follow the Sun
Summary: Another horrible, screechy performance. The big problem I have with both Kristy Lee and Carly is that they already signed record deals that didn’t end up working out. Once I heard that, I wasn’t rooting for them anymore. It’s like when you meet someone really beautiful at a party and you find yourself thinking “man, they are so good looking”. But then you ask them what they do and they say “I model” < bah-nearw bah-nearw bah-nearw bah-nearw >. Immediately you say to yourself…”you’re not THAT good looking…Geesh…get over yourself”. Knowing that some of these idols had record deals takes away the underdog factor and with it goes some of the fun. That said, Kristy is probably going home this week unless middle aged men living at home with their mothers flood the phone lines.

David Cook, age 25
Nickname : David “I need that oven to”Cook.
Song: Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
Summary: To this point, I haven’t been sure how to feel about David. On one hand, he’s talented, consistent, and original. This performance was no exception. On the other…he winks. I hate winkers. Who the hell winks in 2008 aside from cartoon characters and child molesters? Let me tell you doesn’t wink: A Rock Star. ROCK STARS DON”T WINK GET IT TOGETHER DAVID! YOU’RE LOSING YOUR STREET CRED! Maybe next week he can wear David Archuleta’s dog collar and make up some lost ground.

Michael Johns, age 29
Nickname Mike-“rophone love-maker” Johns
Song: With a Little Help from My Friends
Summary: I was DYING for Taylor Hicks and the Soul Patrol to do the Joe Cocker version of this song a few years back. Given this, I found myself ironically annoyed at Michael during his performance for picking “someone else’s song”. I was entertained, however, by Michael’s continued full-on assault of the microphone; alternating from a passionate two handed caress like he’s holding his lovers cheeks….to an all-out, slam it down, twirl it around make-up romp. He’s been studying the masters. I would argue that it is not his singing but rather his Jim Morrison looks and fancy microphone antics that make people like the Idol Pool Master’s significant other declare “I’d do Australia… <3 second silence>. …the guy, not the whole country.”

Ramiele Malubay, age 20
Nickname: Ramiele Forgeta-lubay
Song: While My Guitar Gently Weeps
Summary. It finally happened. I’ve been waiting for this for 7 seasons. Someone finally took a digger down the stairs. How has it taken someone this long to trip and fall on the idol set? It defies the odds and I must congratulate Fox’s lawyers that it hasn’t happened until now. During the opening seconds of the song, just as I was about to put my lips to a warm glass of milk to help me take a 3 minute nap. BAM….heel breaks, hand slips on rail, and just like that…memories were made. Thank GOD for TIVO and its slow motion feature. Again, I have to give credit to the producers: the camera shot from above was iconic as a five foot four sultry diva was sprawled across the American Idol logo on the stage. She’ll now last one more week because of the pity vote. The ASU (American Society for the Uncoordinated) always turns out in big numbers for these types of occasions to show their support.

Syesha Mercado, age 21
Song: Blackbird
Summary: Syesha’s performance was OK, not great. You could tell right away that Paula didn’t like it because she started off her comments by telling Syesha she looked beautiful. This is what Paula does EVERY time she hates a woman’s performance. She has some psychological problem where she can’t deliver bad news so she starts by commenting on what the contestant is wearing, then goes on a tangent about all the things she loves about the contestant (their performance on the recently completed song is always conspicuously absent from Paula’s list of favorite things). The next time I look at a clock and see that it is 11:11, I’m going to close my eyes hard and wish that I get to see Paula Abdul on the next Dr Drew’s Celebrity Rehab. Dream big.

Brooke White, age 24
Song: Can’t Buy Me Love
Summary: Once again, her performance was solid but mediocre. She kind of bores me a bit. I found myself wandering off and thinking about the movie starring Patrick Dempsey as a lawnboy dork who wins over the popular girl with his smarts and good nature.

Like that EVER happens with high school chicks. Good movie, sad world. Ok I’m back. Why does Simon like her so much? I certainly don’t see her selling many albums. Like Jason Castro, her strength caters to slower or medium tempo songs, but she’ll have to whip out a rocker soon if she’s going to play with the big boys. While I do like her, I personally don’t think she has it in her. She’s likeable and good, but not great.


Amanda Overmyer, age 23
Nickname: Elvira Joplin
Song: Oh! Darlin
Summary: The only thing that saved her this week was a song that catered to her one-trick-pony style. I give you four words should strike fear into any Amanda Overmyer fan: “Ace of Base Week". If the rumors are true, that would be the end of Elvira Joplin.

Carly Smithson, age 24
Song: Something
Summary: I can’t say anything too bad here because her voice is so good. It was good to hear her do something nice and slow this week because we already know she can rock. Despite her nice voice, I (like many) still believe she has an uphill battle because she’s not American. Same with Crocodile Dundee.

Week 2 Standings

1. Julie R. - 32 points (362 max) - no change last week

T-2. Cathleen - 32 points (359 max) - down from T-1st
T-2. Stephen - 32 points (359 max) - down from T-1st

T-4. Kristin - 32 points (355 max) - down from T-1st
T-4. Meredith - 32 points (355 max) - down from T-1st

6. Brian - 32 points (350 max) - down from T-1st

T-7. Amy L-P. - 32 points (344 max) - down from T-1st
T-7. Stephanie - 32 points (344 max) - down from T-1st

9. Team O'Brien - 32 points (337 max) - down from T-1st

10. Amy Y. - 32 points (316 max) - down from T-1st

T-11. Karen - 31 points (354 max) - up from T-19th
T-11. Lisa S. - 31 points (354 max) - up from T-19th
T-11. Suzy M. - 31 points (354 max) - no change

T-14. Dave L. - 31 points (349 max) - up from T-25th
T-14. Liz - 31 points (349 max) - up from T-25th
T-14. Mandy - 31 points (349 max) - down from T-11th

T-17. Lisa B. - 31 points (343 max) - down from T-11th
T-17. Matty - 31 points (343 max) - down from T-11th

19. Stacie - 31 points (328 max) - down from T-11th

20. Denis - 30 points (318 max) - up from 66th

T-21. Cindy - 29 points (352 max) - down from T-16th
T-21. Jennie L. - 29 points (352 max) - down from T-19th
T-21. Marcia - 29 points (352 max) - down from T-19th
T-21. Missy - 29 points (352 max) - down from T-19th

25. Ryan - 29 points (349 max) - down from T-19th

26. Matt - 29 points (347 max) - down from T-25th

27. Kara - 29 points (344 max) - down from T-25th

28. Jaime - 29 points (340 max) - down from T-25th

T-29. Dina - 29 points (338 max) - up from T-30th
T-29. Jane - 29 points (338 max) - down from 18th

31. Don - 29 points (334 max) - down from T-30th

32. Corona - 29 points (329 max) - down from T-30th

33. Michael W. - 29 points (323 max) - no change

T-34. Jen S. - 29 points (307 max) - down from T-16th
T-34. Paul F. - 29 points (307 max) - no change

36. Julie H. - 28 points (355 max) - up from T-37th

T-37. Jenny M. - 28 points (351 max) - up from T-42nd
T-37. Suzanne - 28 points (351 max) - up from T-40th

T-39. Andy - 28 points (348 max) - up from T-44th
T-39. Katie K. - 28 points (348 max) - up from T-44th
T-39. Yvonne - 28 points (348 max) - down from T-35th

42. Alieda - 28 points (346 max) - up from T-44th

T-43. Jan M. - 28 points (343 max) - up from T-53rd
T-43. Michelle - 28 points (343 max) - up from T-53rd
T-43. Scott - 28 points (343 max) - up from T-44th

T-46. Damian - 28 points (340 max) - up from T-56th
T-46. Jean Claude - 28 points (340 max) - up from T-56th

48. Aneesha - 28 points (339 max) - down from T-44th

49. Jan W. - 28 points (337 max) - down from T-35th

50. Melissa - 28 points (333 max) - up from 62nd

51. Kathryn - 28 points (328 max) - down from T-44th

52. Katy L. - 28 points (318 max) - down from T-40th

53. Paul P. - 28 points (315 max) - up from T-62nd

54. Cristina - 28 points (313 max) - down from T-44th

55. Julie K. - 28 points (307 max) - up from 67th

56. Judy - 28 points (295 max) - up from 68th

57. Jill - 28 points (288 max) - down from 55th

58. Sean - 27 points (342 max) - up from 70th

59. Dave S. - 27 points (338 max) - up from 72nd

60. Marybeth & Lucy - 26 points (346 max) - down from T-37th

61. Will B. - 26 points (337 max) - down from 52nd

62. Rich - 26 points (335 max) - down from T-56th

63. Team 'Tini - 26 points (334 max) - down from T-44th

T-64. Anh - 26 points (328 max) - down from T-37th
T-64. Emily - 26 points (328 max) - no change

66. Kendra - 26 points (324 max) - down from T-42nd

T-67. Brooke - 26 points (313 max) - down from T-56th
T-67. Team Ringey - 26 points (313 max) - down from T-56th

69. Jon - 26 points (302 max) - down from 61st

70. Lance - 26 points (278 max) - down from 65th

71. Neisha - 26 points (241 max) - down from 69th

72. Mike L. - 25 points (325 max) - down from 71st

73. Peter - 25 points (288 max) - no change

74. Chris F. - 25 points (267 max) - up from 75th

75. Julie W. - 24 points (326 max) - up from 76th

76. Mike & Suzy - 23 points (216 max) - down from 74th

77. Will A. - 22 points (319 max) - no change

78. Mark - 20 points (197 max) - no change

American Idol Viewers Guide Week 2

Well here we are - the Top 12 are set in stone and for anyone jonesing for more AI this summer, the remaining contestants will be singing up a storm on stages around the nation. You know what that means - MORE GROUP NUMBERS! I don't know about anyone else, but I can't get to the remote fast enough on Thursday nights to fast forward through those ear bleeders. The songs get more cheesy and the outfits get more hideous by the week. You'd think the judges would have petitioned to neg this part of the show by now, but I have a sneaking suspicion they're not watching. At that point, Randy is probably backstage trimming his sideburns while Paula is doing Irish Car Bombs and Simon is squeezing into yet another blue/grey/black sweater so he can, for yet another week, resemble a tick about to pop.

Speaking of the judges, did you hear that Simon was offered $2M to be the spokesperson for Viagra? I find it ironic that he turned it down, yet he seems to endlessly endorse Botox. Don't both make you plump? I also hear from Seth Meyers that Paula Abdul was offered to be the spokesperson for pills in general. Silly Seth!

While we're on the subject of Paula - quick question - what do Paula Abdul and Gnarls Barkley have in common? Answer - MTV won't play either of their videos....Paula's getting no love because her video sucks, and Gnarls Barkley's getting no love because their video might cause seizures (caution, don't click on that if you get seizures).

Enough about the judges, let's get back to the contestants and the elimination last week. Was there a sale on those hip hugger, high waisted, 6 button pants last week? Man, those things are bad. Even SYESha was wearing them, albeit in the form of short shorts. That girl seriously loves her legs. But she has a superstar mouth and I think that will keep her alive for a while.

No surprises for me last week that 10 of our Idol poolers got the final 12 right. I mean, every time I think about Danny "BOMP BOMP" Noriega and his "tainted love", it makes me want to hurl. He was brought on the show for shock value and possibly for his Sanjaya-esque hair. Watching him sing was like watching a train wreck in slo mo - I was horrified, but couldn't take my eyes off him. Have you all see his latest on YouTube? Ba Humbug Danny - what comes around goes around.

Asia'h, girlfriend, it's too bad you couldn't stick around long enough for the personal fashion stylist. You really need help. She reminded me of Brittany Murphy's character in Clueless - cute on the inside, but a mess on the outside. And for the record, I don't think Brittany Murphy is cute. Ick.

As for Kady Molloy, well....she was just very beige. You know, non-descript (except for her gigantic ta-ta's), forgettable, and will probably end up on Celebrity Rehab as a result of a failed stint at pole dancing in Reno.

And that brings me to Luke...lovable Luke. Christian a cappella singing Luke. I know there are some a cappella geeks in our pool, so I'll won't belabor the a cappella point and, truth be told, I liked him. He just wasn't good enough. And as Simon says, "this is a singing competition" (insert pompous British accent here).

Apparently, two former contestants, Constantine Maroulis and Gina Glocksen are hosting American Idol EXTRA and they will interview each contestant after they are voted off. Way to stay in the game Constantine and Gina!


That leaves us with the Top 12. Similar to the political race of 2008, it's anyone's game at this point. Taking a look at the averages, it seems as though David Archuleta, the Bindi Irwin of Season 7, and Carly Smithson are the frontrunners. Here's why I think David A. won't win - he hasn't reached puberty yet. I predict he has a Peter Brady moment during one of his songs, cracks, and gets eliminated. Have you HEARD him speak? Such a cute little guy, but no 17 year old is going to be graceful under the pressure (and paparazzi) that lurks around the corners. There are a few other things he needs to work on while waiting for his voice to change - for one, his dog lick. That tongue comes right out with just a beat or two before his next note, flaps out from behind those teeth like only Gene Simmons can do, takes a hard right to the corner of his mouth and SWEEPS around to the other side. In .0005 seconds flat. If this were a competition for mouth licking, he would have it nailed.

Second, he's a heavy breather. It's almost like listening to phone sex when he sings (not that I have ever had phone sex, but if I had, I would imagine it would be something like.... never mind). Seriously, he needs to learn some mic skills because I would wager that he is making 100% of the tween audience, 50% of the cougars, and 25% of the baby boomers pretty damn horny every Tuesday night.

As I visited with my trusted advisor this morning (TMZ.com), I stumbled onto this clip. Who knew all the contestants had bodyguards this early in the game? Just to walk down the street no less? Check out Michael John's over-the-shoulder action to one of the reporters. I have dibs on his debut album looking JUST like the cover of Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA" - Australian flag hanging out of one of his back pockets and perhaps entitled "Wish I Was Born in the USA". My take? America won't vote for him out of spite. Then again, Carly has the same challenge.


This week's theme is THE BEATLES!!! I am beyond psyched. Except for the group number (Come Together perhaps?). I will, again, fast forward through that. This is a REALLY big deal, because for the first time in AI history, the theme will incorporate the entire Lennon/McCartney songbook, which has previously been off-limits to American Idol. Somehow, after six years, the powers behind AI have worked a deal with Sony/ATV Music Publishing to bring some of the best songs in history to the Idol stage. Since the group obviously won't perform, I've got dibs on an appearance by the cast of the Cirque du Soleil show "Love".


Bigger stage = possibility for acrobatics, right?

Will the young one whip out Imagine again in honor of John?

Will Amanda stay true to her rocker roots and belt out a little Helter Skelter?

Does Brooke have an "I am Sam" version of Blackbird planned?

Will Ramiele make a plea for someone to finally Help! her with her miserable excuse for a hairstyle?

And most importantly, will Randy name drop that he played bass for every song on the White Album?



Until next week, I leave you with a final question:

Exactly WHOSE FACE is tattooed on Carly Smithson's right arm?

a) Anna Nicole Smith
b) Amy Winehouse
c) Sinead O'Connor with hair
d) her mom
e) no clue

The 2008 American Idol Pool Entries